Letting go...

For reasons I still don't understand, a dear friend expressed to me a while back that our friendship needed to change. Since then, my friend hasn't been a part of my life in the same way, and in some ways, isn't really my friend anymore. It hurts. And I miss them.

It was devastating to hear that someone I care deeply about didn't feel the same way about me. It took some long hours with the Lord, Matt and other friends to process how to handle this situation. And as I now have the choice to let my friend slip further and further from my life or hold on as tightly as I can, I've realized that I need to let my friend go, not because Mariah tells me to, or because I no longer care about my friend, but because it's what the Lord does for us.

The Lord doesn't force Himself on us. He wants us to seek Him out. He wants us to WANT to have a relationship with Him. He lets us choose. But God's not indifferent to whether we seek Him out or not. He cares more than we can imagine that we choose Him. 

But when we don't or when we won't, He lets us go. He lets us pursue whatever sin or separation we want to. There are consequences to our choices for sure, but He doesn't stop us. He will call us to Himself, He will convict us, remind us of His love and welcome us back. But He doesn't beg. He doesn't plead. He doesn't physically put up barriers to keep us in place. 

I think He hurts though. I think His heart breaks.  I know how I feel when I've been rejected by just one person. When I show someone who I really am and express my love for that person and they choose to walk away, it's incredibly painful. How does the Lord deal with it when millions of people do that to Him EVERY. SINGLE. DAY? I have no idea. One of the questions I want to ask when I get to heaven is how God deals with all the hurt.

Here's the beautiful part. The Lord never leaves. No matter how many times we reject Him, the Lord doesn't say, "I can take a hint. I know when I'm not wanted. Good luck figuring life out without me. When you pray from now on, it's going to go unheard. Please don't talk to me anymore. And if you ever decide to come back, you better be able to make it up to me." 

He doesn't do that. He still loves us. He still cares for us. And when we realize that we messed up, we just have to admit it, turn around and He'll be right there waiting ("Wherever you go, whatever you do, I will be right here waiting for you. Whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks, I will be right here waaaiting for you." Just injecting a little 80's soft rock into an otherwise non-80's post. Random. Not my fault. You were warned with the title of this blog.).

Anyway, that's the way the story goes with my friend. I'm still here. If they ever need anything or decide they want to be friends again, I'm here. I may not be visible all the time. I may not always handle myself well. I might struggle a lot. There's a fine balance between being there for them while at the same time giving them space. It's learning to walk the fine line that takes a lot of time and effort (and involves pain. It hurts a lot less to just write someone off than it does to continue to care about them. I leave myself open to be hurt and rejected time and time again because my heart's still connected to them and there's always the hope that they'll come back.).

But in my attempt to live like I believe the Lord wants me to, I have to keep going. Keep trying. Refusing to give up no matter how much I want to. After all, where would I be if the Lord gave up on me?